Couples Counselling and Sex Therapy

Darwin, Northern Territory based Relationship Counsellor and Sex Therapist    

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Male Sexuality

Posted on 22 October, 2017 at 21:05 Comments comments (0)

Traditionally male sexuality has been wrapped up neatly into two boxes. Heterosexually orientated or homosexually orientated. Generally, society has not afforded acceptance of fluidity as it has for woman. Infact, bi sexual encounters for woman is often encouraged. So why doesn't this apply for men?

Recently I have been aware of an increasing amount of men who wish to explore same sex interactions. Fear of judgement and loss of relationships make them go into a secret world of their own and seek these experiences. Often the secret world becomes discovered and relationships are lost regardless. Some develop mental and behavioural difficulties such as depression and compulsive porn use.

There are two boxes that are not often discussed or explored, bi sexual men and men who have sex with men, but who dont identify as gay or homosexual (MSM). It can be confronting for a man to question his sexuality, to question whether his orientation has changed due to his increasing  homo-erotic fantasy. Men find themselves with internal conflict around thoughts like:

 " If I want my girlfriend to wear a strap on does that make me gay?" or wanting to experience physical intimacy with a man I believe every person is different.

We are a product of our values, core beliefs and experiences so the answer is not going to be the same for eveyone.

There are men who experienced child abuse at the hands of men or had experimental sexual encounters with another boy as a child and struggle as an adult with fantasies about men. They desparately don't want there to be a link between these early experiences and their curreent sexuality. Researchers have not been able to find a definitve link.

I feel that when working with these clients it is important to have a clear understanding of their sexuality and how they see themselves as a sexual beings. To ask questions like:

"What turns me on?"

"How do I feel about those things?"

"What do I like about how I express myself sexually?'

" Is there room in my loving relationship for my sexual self?"

It appears the largest hurdle is for those men who are curious or questioning to accpet this about themselves before worrying about what the rest of the planet thinks.

I would be interested to hear about readers experiences and challenges.

10 Unusual Fetishes

Posted on 19 May, 2015 at 2:35 Comments comments (0)

Kink and fetish are two words that inspire so many reactions from curiosity to repulsion. It is an exercise of internal analysis that lets our instant reaction tells us about our sexual scripts and core beliefs. Fetish is enjoying a huge ‘coming out’ around the world with BDSM (bondage, discipline, sadism and masochism), voyeurism and exhibitionism becoming almost passé.

According the latest diagnostic and statistical manual the DSM 5 Fetishistic disorder is a mental health condition that centres on the employment of inanimate objects as a source of sexual satisfaction or the fulfilment of sexual fantasies or urges.

Luckily for many people out there this measure of Mental illness does differentiate between fetish and disorder. Basically if you are not hurting yourself(needing medical treatment) or anyone else and it is within the law, I say go for your life. However, if your sexual behaviour and needs begin to cause you or your partner a level of distress that affects eithers ability to function, then perhaps you should take a step back look closely at the motivations behind the behaviour or need.

So lets look at some of the most unusual fetishes. There is certainly something for everyone out there. I do not highlight this to embarrass or humiliate, but to normalise the fact that most of us have some kind of ‘out there’ fantasy we use for arousal. The degree of ‘unusualness’ is really only measured by our own frame of reference. It is said that fetish is usually enjoyed by males with a ratio of about 20 to 1 woman.

1.LoonersFetish – in this category you can be a popper, non popper or semi popper. Balloons are the source of the sexual attraction and arousal. The person finds great love in the colour, size and feel of the balloon.

2.Condom trading Fetish – This is a fairly new fetish where men trade and swap used condoms or items of clothing which is generally soiled with semen. The items are used for masturbation and even sometimes consumption purposes. This can clearly be a STI risk and so caution is advised.

3.DendrophiliaFetish – Trees with appropriately shaped holes or crevices create the perfect sexual partner for those inclined.

4.CuckoldFetish – This fetish is fairly common whether in reality in a relationship or safely tucked away in fantasyland. This is where a man becomes sexually aroused in the knowledge that his partner or wife is having sex with another person. Sometimes this is set up by the husband himself and is not always within view. One would hope this is consensual for the other partner.

5.Teratophilia Fetish – Here sexual arousal is gained when having a sexual encounter with someone who has physically deformities. There are categories of this around being attracted to amputees and those with excessive scarring.

6.Window Fetish– Arousal is obtained from rubbing oneself up against a warm window where the firmness and heat can stimulate.

7.SploshFetish – the desire to cover oneself in candy or other foods and have people eat off you.

8.Zentai Fetish– This where people where a costume called a Zentai which is like a second skin. They are completely anonymous and naked underneath. They enjoy the feel of the suit as well as the ability to go out in public.

9.Techno Fetish – There is a large following of this particular fetish. The ideal female robot and sex partner is a much sought after product. Companies have yet to master the natural expressions and movements of a female which hinders sales.

10.Emetophilia Fetish – The sexual arousal gained by being vomited on or vomiting on someone.

Nurturing our Fantasies

Posted on 19 May, 2015 at 2:30 Comments comments (0)

When you can accept and embrace your triggers for arousal (fantasies and sexual thoughts) the happier and more satisfied you will be. We have all come from different cultural and religious backgrounds topped with the parenting styles and values of our most influential mentors. As we grow and are exposed to more of the world and its variety, we start to open our repertoire of things that make us “horny”. In doing this, creating fantasies, we might self-flagellate ourselves because of their content.

Try to think back to your earliest memories of childhood and adolescence. Can you remember the first time you felt “turned on” or aroused? What was the circumstance or trigger? Was it finding your parents porn collection? Which images struck you the most? Was it spying on the next door neighbour getting undressed and taking her stockings off?

As Bancroft explains,

“….it is conceivable…..that the impact of the physiological response may be altered, and possibly intensified, by the attribution of sexual meaning to it.”

 

As we grow as kids we become more and more aware of sexuality and all the values placed on it by our parents, schools, society, and ourselves. We may suppress what our triggers were in order to conform to safe acceptance into society.

However, they don’t disappear. They remain in the back of our sexual brains as fantasies. Depending on what the fantasy is we access them at times of desire and they help move us towards peak arousal and physical intensity.

The problem is that many of us can’t accept the themes of our fantasies, feeling shame and guilt at having accessed them. For example, a woman raised Catholic may have trouble accepting that her fantasy involves her being gang banged by four or five men. Although this thought stirs her arousal, she continues to avoid accessing the fantasy to avoid the feelings of shame and thoughts of being ‘perverted’ which is safer for her. A man who really enjoys thinking of his bum being ringed and penetrated with anal beads is distressed at the thought he is gay. Frankly, there are a number of pleasure nerves in this area, why not exercise them.

So, how do we reconcile our deepest darkest fantasies with our acquired beliefs and values. We recognise that THERE ARE NO THOUGHT POLICE! What we find arousing is a result of our life’s experience.

Being a public Feminist with fantasies of being dominated and humiliated does not make you a hypocrite or a fraud. This is just a part of your sexual self that craves release. Self-acceptance of all of the parts of the whole brings with it a certain freedom.

What is known is that those who have been able to accept their sexuality, body and arousal triggers are that much more confident and satisfied within their sex lives. I will just say that experiencing your fantasies and expanding your experiences may be what you need. However some fantasies can stay just that. It is all your choice at the end of the day. Believe me, if you think you have a fantasy that is that dark and disturbing to be unique to you, you might be disappointed. There is something out there for everyone.

For the love of life, happy fantasising!

Mistress Jadis

Posted on 18 May, 2015 at 21:05 Comments comments (0)

Recently I was interviewed by one of Sydney's top Queens of Kink, Mistress Jadis. Check out her blog:

http://msjadis.com/interview-sex-therapist-nina-b/


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