Nina B Therapy
  Relationship Counselling and Sex Therapy

              Darwin, Northern Territory, Australia based Relationship and Sex Therapist    

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Nurturing our Fantasies

Posted on 19 May, 2015 at 2:30

When you can accept and embrace your triggers for arousal (fantasies and sexual thoughts) the happier and more satisfied you will be. We have all come from different cultural and religious backgrounds topped with the parenting styles and values of our most influential mentors. As we grow and are exposed to more of the world and its variety, we start to open our repertoire of things that make us “horny”. In doing this, creating fantasies, we might self-flagellate ourselves because of their content.

Try to think back to your earliest memories of childhood and adolescence. Can you remember the first time you felt “turned on” or aroused? What was the circumstance or trigger? Was it finding your parents porn collection? Which images struck you the most? Was it spying on the next door neighbour getting undressed and taking her stockings off?

As Bancroft explains,

“….it is conceivable…..that the impact of the physiological response may be altered, and possibly intensified, by the attribution of sexual meaning to it.”


As we grow as kids we become more and more aware of sexuality and all the values placed on it by our parents, schools, society, and ourselves. We may suppress what our triggers were in order to conform to safe acceptance into society.

However, they don’t disappear. They remain in the back of our sexual brains as fantasies. Depending on what the fantasy is we access them at times of desire and they help move us towards peak arousal and physical intensity.

The problem is that many of us can’t accept the themes of our fantasies, feeling shame and guilt at having accessed them. For example, a woman raised Catholic may have trouble accepting that her fantasy involves her being gang banged by four or five men. Although this thought stirs her arousal, she continues to avoid accessing the fantasy to avoid the feelings of shame and thoughts of being ‘perverted’ which is safer for her. A man who really enjoys thinking of his bum being ringed and penetrated with anal beads is distressed at the thought he is gay. Frankly, there are a number of pleasure nerves in this area, why not exercise them.

So, how do we reconcile our deepest darkest fantasies with our acquired beliefs and values. We recognise that THERE ARE NO THOUGHT POLICE! What we find arousing is a result of our life’s experience.

Being a public Feminist with fantasies of being dominated and humiliated does not make you a hypocrite or a fraud. This is just a part of your sexual self that craves release. Self-acceptance of all of the parts of the whole brings with it a certain freedom.

What is known is that those who have been able to accept their sexuality, body and arousal triggers are that much more confident and satisfied within their sex lives. I will just say that experiencing your fantasies and expanding your experiences may be what you need. However some fantasies can stay just that. It is all your choice at the end of the day. Believe me, if you think you have a fantasy that is that dark and disturbing to be unique to you, you might be disappointed. There is something out there for everyone.

For the love of life, happy fantasising!

Categories: Fantasy and Fetish, Relationship Health

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